Dreams of a Particular Destiny. And Not in Real Life.

Had an interesting dream t’other night… Of all people, Frank Garcia was sorta my avatar… I knew Frank in high school, in choir, mainly, and he was mean. He was a “friend,” in a way, but he was mean to me and alot of others, too. In other words, not the kind of person i would consider “enlightened” or a “spiritual guide” of any sort.

Anyway, the dream had been going on for a while, and i only remember from this point: we were in an airliner, but i was holding onto Frank’s hands as he was dangling out a hole in the fuselage. Deafening wind. He’s holding in his hand this keychain with two keys on it. He wants me to say something like “i believe in God,” or “i believe in your church,” or something like that– something having to do with his religion. But i just couldn’t bring myself to say it. Instead, i said, “it’s not worth it.”

At which point he lets go and falls into oblivion.

Fast forward to “now.” My life is in shambles. M has left me. I have no job. I’m an emotional wreck. Directionless, pointless. But one day i get this overwhelming feeling that i need to go to Fairbanks, Alaska. And there just so happens to be a Humvee show at a local exhibition hall. M and i (yeah, somehow she’s back) devise some way to steal an H2– it must be a white one, since we’ll be in snow.

So we’ve got the H2 and we’re on the road, and i somehow hear that there has been a death in Frank’s family. I go to the funeral, and his whole family is there, and they tell me that Frank wanted me to have this: and they hand me one of the keys he’d been holding onto when he fell out of the plane.

That was important. That was like the third sign that i had some particular destiny. Some distinct destiny that was uniquely mine. And i became conscious of it. I really began to notice little things i probably wouldn’t have noticed before that indeed pointed me in this distinct and particular direction: Fairbanks, Alaska.

I began having “visions” of sliding a key into a lock, and just figured that that lock must be in Fairbanks.

And this whole while, i was sorta waking up at various points in the dream, making little notes, hoping to be able to bring it all to surface again someday while i was awake, so i could write it down. It just really felt important that i follow my feelings to Fairbanks, to see what i could open with Frank’s key. Very much like some sort of redemption for letting Frank die, for letting him down, for not simply saying those two simple words: “i believe,” even if i didn’t believe.

That’s it. But since then, i’ve been trying to see some particular destiny for myself. Like last night, M and I went to the grand opening of Brother Chi Sing’s Trinity River Sangha. I’ve really been attracted to Chi Sing’s energy since he gave a talk and really led the service one Sunday in early December 2005 at the Oak Cliff Unitarial Universalist Church. His service was very mindful. And he was just so nice, and peaceful, and his way of talking very soothing and his presence so easy and happy. He started out leading us in a like 5-minute silent sitting meditation right there in our chairs. Then he talked beautifully about being fully present in the here and now, and about what Buddhists are, what they believe, etc. And finally, he led us in a 10-minute walking meditation around the church’s nice 5-acre lot thru the trees, around the grounds, etc. Very very nice.

And M and i had the very night of this dream hadda very nice talk about the direction of our lives, and about the lack of such direction in my life in particular, and how i am starting to feel like i need mentors & teachers & guides in my life. We talked about how i’ve always been fed the idea that i need to be unique, and unlike anyone else– always be myself, as if who i am really is different than everyone and anyone else.

But what if i am NOT unique? What if i have a particular destiny? What if i can’t “make it” anymore by just “getting by”, by just “letting it be,” by not making any decisions, by just “going with the flow?” What if all that kind of attitude has gotten me is poor, lost, and directionless?

So. More change. More change is needed. I want more change. The sangha last night was really good feeling. I mean, other than the pain between my shoulder blades 15 minutes into the 20-minute silent sitting meditation. It felt good even afterwards while we were hanging out munching and socializing. Met a really cool local photographer, Kent Barker. One person mentioned “all those who suffer from substance addiction” during the “name your own prayer” segment of the service. To which i wanted to add, “and all other kinds of addiction.”

So it looks like some people are using this Sangha as a means to fight their problems. To which i say, “more power!” I know I need help in that direction.

Gotta go. Money problems now. Need to come up with like $1000 really soon. Fucking sucks. Somehow i got one month behind on our CCATCU loan payments… I fucking HATE money…

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