Sun, 22 Dec, 1997

5:00 PM

(Cool excerpt:) Milena said today she’s “finding it really hard to find something to live for” these days.

“There’s always music,” i responded.

“but what if the music doesn’t work out?” she asked.

She’s thinking of RunBambi! & her new Celtic gig. “Well, if the ear is the first musical instrument, then it doesn’t matter who the listener is, or who the producer of the sound is. There’s just the music; it all comes from within you. You let the song sing itself, if you want it all to be right.

“it’s just like when i make love with you. when it’s all right, i don’t do it to give you pleasure. I don’t even do it to give myself pleasure. When it’s right, it’s the love that guides everything; just the love expressing itself.”

She sighed satisfyingly.

(continued:) …everything’s a stepping stone. i wanna be god. i wanna be able to realize my imaginings, & to make people feel. Just like i made Milena feel this afternoon…

That’s what i really love about her. She is moved by my creations– by my show, by my poetry, by my touch. Really moved. I think the only thing my dream woman wd have other than this is that she wd be able to move me in that same way, so that this kind of empathy wd flow both ways between us, and wd come naturally, without provocation. We wd empower each other to such heights: musically, we wd act as channels, letting music flow from that universe of harmonics thru us to manifest itself in this universe as pure emotion; in our relationship, it wd be the love that guides us, the universe of universes expressing itself, it’s wonder at being, it’s majik at feeling.

And this has happenned between Milena & me. this very afternoon. As she said, “that was beautiful.”

That’s why i love my music so much, and why she means so much to me: the same love i felt for her this afternoon is the same love i feel when i create some music. or when i experienced that scene in Michael Collins. That i feel right now and that makes tears well up. Beauty in sadness… Shakespeare knew it, too.

And looking up at my Xtree, i see it there, too. And in Milena’s Empty Shoes. She’s dealing with death alot, like the kids in Really Rosie. (edit) …How strange [Milena & Jeff’s] relationship must have been. Beautiful, but strange. I think i may be able to imagine that kind of love, and i really think i have, and have even experienced it for brief moments of time with like Anne & Kathleen. & i know i experience it when i’m moved by some created work, like music, or a film, or a book, or an X-tree…

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