Open and Depressed vs. Closed and Repressed


Thurs, 30 Jan, 1997
9 am

Went to pick up Milena from Macaroni Grille last night, hadda wait a little while, so sat at the bar & hadda “Bellini,” peach schnapps, peach liquer, champagne, white wine, and rum. I caught a little buzz, & she finally came over. I asked her how work was, how her father was, and she told me.

“Well, you know, he hates his job, everybody at work’s trying to talk him out of quitting, mom’s afraid if he quits they’ll go bankrupt, and now, with his baby sister in NYC getting kicked out of her house with two little kids and no money for a month, he’s feeling bad about that cuz he’s the one who’d always send her money when she needed something.”

I immediately felt the weight of the world on me, & sunk into a depression. “That’s depressing,” i responded.

But she looked unphased. She kept going.

“Oh, no big deal with my family. sh*t always happens in my family. Lessee, my grandmother dies of cancer, my grandfather dies 6 months later of unhappiness; my other grandmother dies, then her husband’s new wife dies 6 months after they get married; my uncle dies of AIDS at age 32; the whole of my mother’s side of the family is dirt poor, bankrupt, single teenage mothers, or criminals…

“But the only reason it seems like my family is so f***ed up is that we’re always talking about it. We don’t hide anything from each other. I really don’t think my family’s much more dysfunctional than any other family. It’s just that some families don’t talk about their problems. ‘Oh, so-and-so is depressed. Let’s ignore them.'”

She’s right to a great extent. Papa probably wd have been a happier individual if he’d not stayed on at Southwestern Refinery for 37 years, hating every minute of it. & i’d very likely be very different. Perhaps less repressed emotionally. Papa’s emotional repression rubbed off on all of us kids, & probably Mama too. Yes, his staying on there while we were growing up definitely gave us financial stability, and that, too, has rubbed off on me, at least. I may be overly concerned abt money. It’s just that i gotta have money to buy the sh*t i need to make the music i wanna make. That’s it. & now that i gotta real girlfriend, i got somebody else to deal with, not only monetarily, but also emotionally. I can handle money, and even debt, as long as i know where i stand. But it’s much more difficult for me to figure out what’s going on within such a close relationship as me & Milena have.

11:36am
We realized last night, or at least i realized explicitly, that we are alike in opposite ways: she tends to lose her self identity in relationships, while i tend to be very selfish. Opposites attract? We can help each other…

I mean, she was freekin’ last night cuz i shut down after getting depressed from hearining about her family’s problems. She told me, sadly, “you feel very distant.” And we were lying next to each other in bed! But i felt it too. I was suffocating under the weight of her family’s problems. But she told me also that just because her family’s problems are her problems, i shdn’t feel like they shd be my problems. It was good she said that, since i was doubting i shd be with her if i shd hafta carry around her family’s problems all the rest of my life.

I’ve been spoiled, i know. My life has been extraordinarily simple. I always tell people i have lived a blessed life. Because i have lived a blessed life.

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