Love and Money

Wed, 29 Jan, 1997

walls… Last night we talked about money. Which we’ve been doing for a while, and especially since we bought this truck together. But now i need (want) a CD burner. The cheapest one i can find is $479. & i don’t have that much cash, but i got like $250 credit available on my Discover card. So i’m thinking i’ll pay off enough of that, like another $250, to give me enough credit to buy the CD burner.

But we have NO cash now. All this week we have been and will be scraping together spare change to make ends meet. We ate at Taqueria Acapulco Mon nite, with a coupon, both of us for $5.60. I put that on my Discover card. The last two trips to HEB have been on my Discover card.

So Milena wanted to go somewhere & eat last night, but i expressed concern over putting it on my Discover card again. She has always offered to pay off whatever we’ve put on my credit cards. She gets paid every week, and i’m sure she will pay it off. Then she said, “i sense a double standard here. You say you don’t wanna put stuff on yr Discover card, but you don’t mind going into debt for stuff you want. It’s like you don’t think i’ll pay you back.”

Wow. She’s right, in a way. But i had to explain my reasoning to her.

I’d never been in debt until i had to get student loans for graduate school. Then, i got my PowerMac on a student loan from Apple. Then, i got a couple credit cards to pay for audio sh*t. Now, i knew when i got this computer and the credit cards that it was just the beginning. I knew i didn’t have enough credit + cash to get all the stuff i needed, and thus wd haf to continue maxing out my credit cards to scrape up the resources to get what i needed. And this CD burner is one more step along that path.

“We’re just gonna hafta make a sh*tload of money,” i said. Sounds like a copout now…

But she just “doesn’t want anything.” She said it was the same way with Jeff– he always wanted sh*t, and she’d work all the time, & he’d get all the stuff he wanted, & she just didn’t want anything. Part of that was that so much of her identity was in Jeff, there was just nothing TO want anything.

Neither of us want her to lose her self identity again. But i’ve always had sh*t i wanted to do, sh*t i felt the need to make. & i’m not used to dealing with other people, & having to work out money sh*t with anybody else. But it’s good for me, and i even like it, with Milena. It makes me “accountable” to somebody. & perhaps that’s precisely what i need to make sure i don’t go off the deep end in debt…

Gotta get the flyer done for her 2nd Writer’s Showcase. That’s Sunday after-next. she’s thinking she just might let someone else take it over after this time. She’s just got so much going on. & now, in addition to nannying & Macaroni Grille, her father’s been really seriously depressed, all f***ed up about his sh*tty job & how it’s eating him alive from the inside, & his wife just doesn’t get it & just tells him he CAN’T quit because they’d go broke. But she finally told her mother that everything ISN’T alright, that he needs to quit if he’ll committ suicide otherwise, and that he needs his family’s support really desperately now. She is amazing. I don’t think i cd be that real to my parents. They just wdn’t have it. Just like Patrice (Milena’s mother).

i need to support her very desperately now. I never buy her sh*t. I DO take her out to eat, but that’s an “US” thing, not just a her thing. I shd buy her a dozen roses, just for the hell of me loving her, & she loving me! OK then.

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